Sunday, October 12, 2008

The last of the Teetotalers

[warning: Only Malaylees might understand this post due to the specific context and characters used.]

Prologue
Minister Paambu Velayudhan of the respected Govt. of Kerala was in a foul mood. It was a beautiful Hartal day when the Minister was enjoying his bottle of toddy, by a field of paddy and totally happy when those damn Green peace people (Stooges of a foreign capitalist power!!) called for a meeting to discuss about a highly endangered species.

The minister initially tried to squirrel out of the meeting, but finally, thinking of the poor endangered species he decided to attend.

The meeting
Green peace official (GPO): Sir there is an alarming decrease in the number of this exotic species. It is time that your venerable Govt. took action to save it from extinction.
Minister: I think you foreigners are exaggerating as usual. I am sure that there must be at least a thousand of those left in our beautiful state.
GPO: No sir! I am not exaggerating one bit. Our expert team has searched high and low for this species with no luck. We have used advanced G.P.S technology, satellite sensing, infra red imaging, nuclear fission and other classified technologies to find the last of the species, but all our efforts have resulted in failure. It is time now for the Govt. to take stock of this alarming situation.
Minister: Utter balderdash! Did you ask our most capable and fearless animal tracker to find this species?
GPO: Err.. no sir, who is this great man?
Minister: Shikari Shambu! Rest assured, I will put this expert on the job and he will get you a dozen of the species in no time.
GPO: Thank you sir!
Minister: By the by, what did you say was the scientific name of this exotic species?
GPO: “Sober Malabaricus homo sapien” It also goes by the alias “Pinthiri Teetotaler Malayalee”

The elusive species
On receiving instructions from the honorable Minister, Shikari Shambu packed his gun, upped his trousers, downed his hat and legged it to the nearest forest. This was the most difficult assignment he had ever faced. He spent months on end searching the forests of Kerala for this exotic species but with little luck. Up and down and north and south, there was no sign of this Sober Malabaricus imbecile! Those green peace people were right. The last of this species seemed to have died out millennia ago!

Thus, one fine day, he was sitting totally dejected, gun supporting chin, thinking of the next plan of action when Kapish made his appearance. “Looking looking twine, curling around leg”* thought Shikari Shambu. Kapish was the most intelligent monkey** on the planet, he would definitely know about this God forsaken species!

Shikari Shambu: Hey! Kapish! Have you seen this Sober Malabaricus homo sapien species anywhere?
Kapish: Yes, he made this state by throwing an axe, but that was a long time back. I don’t know about any more of the species!
Shikari Shambu looked downright unhappy at this sad news. There went his retirement plan!

On seeing the Shikari so thoroughly dejected Kapish felt sorry for him. He thought long and hard and finally devised a plan of action.
Kapish: Shikari! Don’t be so dejected! I have a plan up my sleeve…. Err.... tail!
Shikari: Oh really? What is it?
Kapish: There is another species in the state which fits all the characteristics of your exotic species. But it is not a pure Malayalee species… actually, it is Gujarati. But don’t worry, it has been in the state for many years now and can pass off as an authentic Malayalee.
Shikari: How did you come across this thing? I have been trying to find it for so long!
Kapish: Long story dude, but the short of it is that once this species made me pose in three different positions. Some kind of "photographic" tendencies, I think.
Shikari: Yuck.. that’s sick!
Kapish: Takes all kinds to make a world buddy!

Following the instructions provided by Kapish, Shikari Shambu made haste and found out not one, but many specimens of the species at different corners of the state. Apart from their un-natural abstinence from liquor (which was the defining quality of the species) it also exhibited a remarkable stiffness in its body. Under most circumstances it actually refused to move an inch. It was only after Shikari downed his bottle of toddy that it seemed to move a wee bit.

All the specimens were forwarded to the honorable Minister who in turn forwarded them to the GPO’s. The green peace team was totally stupefied by the capabilities of Kerala’s foremost animal tracking expert and offered him an onsite opportunity in America (Amazon forest!) Everyone was happy and three cheers, sorry prayers were said for the long life of this endangered species.

Epilogue 1
News Item in Manorma: “A number of statue thefts have taken place in the state, most of them being Gandhi statues. Eyewitnesses could not identify the person due to his peculiar hat. It covered his eyes!

Epilogue 2
Malayalees spent more on liquor than on rice and I am part of the disease… It has made me feel so depressed that what I really want now is another drink!

* തേടിയ വള്ളി കാലില്‍ ചുറ്റി....:D
** Indian Monkeys are kind of talkative!

10 comments:

mathew said...

too good dude...was not aware of the epilogue 1 behind the story...The Gandhian ideology has more or less become fiction now in current trends of the world!!

This post actually gives me an urge to get hands on one of the Tinkle Digest's too!!:-D

N!$#@N^# said...

ha ha nice technologies fission alos .hahahah ... waitin for more stories.. guess this is the way to go... cool..... waitin for more...

silverine said...

Brilliant post!!! ROFL!!

There is one Gandhian in my extended family. We gag and tie him up to the chair Cacofonix style for every family gathering. :p

stillwaters said...

hmmm..Could someone ask the green peace people to let my dad know about the status of this species? coz he's kinda hunting for them..
And if somebody doesn't tell him soon, I am gonna die an old maid! :P

nice post Abraham! :)

mea culpa said...

Oh! that was so CCCoool!!!

best part : Kerala’s foremost animal tracking expert and offered him an onsite opportunity in America (Amazon forest!) Everyone was happy and three cheers, sorry prayers were said for the long life of this endangered species.

Abraham Menacherry said...

Mathew: Thank you! Yeah, I wanted to get my hands on one too!

Nishu: Ugh.. this is a bit more difficult than writing something that already happened...:(

Silverline: There is one such Gandhian in my family too... my bro!

Stillwaters: Ha ha..ask him to scale down the requirements!! Else ask him to go "roaming" to other states!!

Mea culpa: Thank you! Visited your blog... hmm real interesting one tooo!

Vinod V said...

That was very creative... and uproarious.
I would suggest you to anglicize the very few Malayalam words/contexts so that others too would be able to enjoy this to the fullest.
Again, that was VERY creative..!!!!
Hats off to you.

Anooja said...

Abe...nice post again..Actually i ve never met a Malayalee who's a teetotaler, except may be palliyilae achan :)

anooja said...

Abe i cant believe it.. u have a Gajni haircut now???
God.. the things u do :D

Abraham said...

Vinod: Thank you! But somehow, after I wrote this one, I had a feeling that "something was missing"...:( Maybe I will get the equation right after some practice.

Anooja: Ha ha.. yeah, pallile achan and my chettan are the only teetoallers I know of! And abt the hair cut...
My profile says "you have one life... blah blah..." I try to experience everything... that is all...:D