Friday, October 3, 2008

Gone with the wind

The movie?? No no, it is about ma favorite topic… Me!!

I was born with this inferiority complex…. That I would never be a 6 foot tall hunk, muscles popping and the ladies ogling (you know, the stereotype!)

Each time I see a guy who fits the bill, I go mad with frustration and each time I see a female who is an inch taller than I am, I am on the verge of tears! Why God? Why? Why did you make me so short? Why couldn’t you add just an eeny weeny 5 inches more to my dwarf frame eh? Like most prayers sent skywards this one too returns with an “un-opened… return-to-shorty” typed in bold.

And to add insult to injury I was born thin. Emaciated-and-short in a boy’s school is no laughing matter. You always ended up with the support role. Anybody who felt like whacking you up (which was quite often) would in all probability, whack you up. To live through those 10 years, I had to grow nails, some really fast legs and teeth that could bite through hippo hides. And what’s more, even on the days you won the battle, the war was lost when the vanquished scathingly comments “bah! He fights like a girl, all tooth and nails, why don’t you join Mount Carmel girl’s school eh??” And the victor’s smile is wiped off!

Of all the screwed up comments I’ve had to put up with (sack-of-bones was just the beginning!) “yevanae, onnu oothiyal paranne pokumello” (a wind could blow him off) was the most insulting. I mean, unlike the other taunts this one was a blatant lie!

I did pull-ups, I played basketball, I bugged my parents to buy me wonder shoes which would magically increase your height, I pestered doctor relatives to give me steroids and I even (hold your breath) prayed!! But nothing worked. It is in your genes (and your heels) you know. I ended up 5 inches shorter than expectations.

Fortunately, I did not stay thin for long after my engineering. Some metabolic miracle (read aging) happened and suddenly mine was no longer the high-input, high-output system that it once was. The output started dimming and the input started growing around my tummy. I don’t know many people who would be pleased to have a round tummy, but I am one of them. In Malayalam we call it “thara-vaaditham”.

But 3 years down the line, with a protruding tummy, an intruding chest and skinny limbs, I had this wonderful idea… Get a 6-pack!. So what if my genes denied me my rightful 6 foot height? I could cheat them with my 6-pack. Revenge, sweet revenge! It was ten years late in the coming, but then better late than never.

So, off I went and joined this gym. Rs.500 joining fee, Rs.250 monthly fee, the instructor said. I waived my card without batting an eye. Ha! 750 rupees for a 6 pack… I would pay an arm and a leg for it! (Skinny ones, that is). The routine was fairly straight forward. Get up at 6 A.M in the morning, put on the track suit, jog to the gym, warm up exercises, jump up, jump down, spread out limbs, tuck in belly, look in the mirror, wipe out that constipated-look-on-weight-lift, cycle, die… err sorry I mean rest, drag your sorry ass back home, shower, put on nice clothes, office, work, eat, sleep, gym.

“ethra nalla nadaaatha swanpnangal!!*”. I haven’t ever seen the world at 6 A.M. In fact, I am not so sure it exists except in the realm of dreams at that uncivilized hour. This morning shift was a no-starter…:( I did it for one day, I did it for two days and then as lolan(our mega pinthiri) predicted, I did it on the third day on a purely metaphysical plane (read bed). Hey! stop smirking! I did it one more day than he predicted. It is definitely an achievement of no small proportion.

I shifted to evening shift but 6 P.M is really not a time for exercising. You are already tired, your non-existent mental strength is ah, well non-existent and motivation is in the pits. I persevered for exactly one week... Each day after working out, I would go and stand semi-nude in front of the mirror (ladies… control, control!!).

Protruding belly – Check
Intruding chest – Check
Non-existent shoulder muscles – Check
Skinny limbs – Check
Panting-like-a-dog-plus-constipated-look – Check
6-Pack – No check!!

Great progress huh? ok, ok, who am I trying to kid! As some parents are wont to say “nine ondakkunna samayathe oru vaazha nattirunengil…**” Mine was a fruitless labor. All of my 6-Packs has now joined together to form a consolidated sack.

It even brought out the poet in me.

It is no small honor,
To be lord of a manor,
Six sacks and bladder,
To hell with it, puttar!

Thus, I am currently the proud owner of a 6-sack*** body and a bruised ego thanks to lolan’s taunts of “I told you so!” Thankfully, with all the weight I am gaining around my tummy, “Gone with the wind” evokes no more dread!

*Such nice un-realizable dreams
**If I had planted a tree when I was making him... for the record "some parents" not equal to "my parents"!
***മലയാളത്തില്‍ "ചാക്ക്" എന്നും പറയും - Dialogue courtesy Samjith.


silverine said...

LOL!! Really funny written very well! :)) For whats it worth I was and am skinny! Well I like to call it slim, but some well endowed friends like to call me skinny! :)

N!$#@N^# said...

Each time I see a guy who fits the bill, I so go mad with frustration...

I didn´t know you were so jelaous of me... its ok... aby don´t be so disheartned... :)

pinne neneke enthada oru determination illyathade...??jevethathil vellathum chiyande... atho chumma engane kona adichu nadana madio ?? u r such a losser and a quitttter...

i started exercising at home i started very well sit ups ab crunches.. it was a complete package man...
and btw ...this is the time that i start my exercises... bole toh instead of writing this comment i should be doing some sit ups....
i blame you for ruining my exercise schedule for the past 4 months... :)

N!$#@N^# said...

salla pinthiri...

Lakshmi Bharadwaj said...

haha, real funny! :-) "Gone with the wind" eh? Amazin. Decided to follow ur blog!

Reflections said...

heeeeheeee u r funny.....esp..."In Malayalam we call it “thara-vaaditham”.
I suffered from the same the 1st 25 yrs of my life.....could stuff myself but wdnt put on an ounce.
The Dubai happened:-(
TRY HARDER. If Shah Rukh Khan can make it, anybody can:-P

Abraham Menacherry said...

Silverine: Thank you! Yeah dont we all... I was also call myself "slim"

Nishu: Over weight and delutional... hmmm, as i suspected "you just lost it". Wake up dumbo! And go easy on those sit ups, we dont want another Tsunami!

Lakshmi: Was pleasantly surprised(and flattered!) to see you following the blog. Thank you.

Reflections: Yeah, I guess this is normal for most people, skinny till 25 and then the weight just keeps piling up. Sharukh khan.. hmm arent we dreaming a bit here...:D

Sandeep said...

really funny and title was also excellent. even i was like that in my first 20yrs of life.

Reflections said...

u r tagged:-)

stillwaters said...

“un-opened… return-to-shorty”... ROFL!!!!

Another brilliant piece!

There is this guy in my gang of buddies who recently decided he wanted a six-pack. Like u, he had never seen 6am until he enrolled at a gym. Now the rest of the guys are trying to "kannu vekkify" him and trying the "you wont go for more than a week" and "angane ippo nee mathram six pack vekkenda" curses. But that stubborn fellow has been going for 3 weeks straight. Will let u know when he quits. I am sure hearing of other quitters will make u feel better.. :)

Deepu said...

Nikhil Narayanan said...

Good read.
Haven't heard this thery after school.Ninne okke undakkunna samayath..


The Layman said...

Ha ha..
Really funny man...:-D

I can totally understand what you are saying..

"Appurathirikkunnavan vellam kudichal athu vare dehathu pidikkum"


Prasanth said...

Fellow empathies!
Two of my attempts at jogging in the morning were interrupted by divine interventions which those around me ungraciously chose to call laziness et all .
Few falsehoods are as potent as the one that anyone can build a body. It like one of those economic theories which completely ignore questions of human will and unwill. It is incidents of these sorts which lead us to reflect how wise our ancestors were when they coined terms like "tharavaditham".

Abraham Menacherry said...

Sandeep: First 20 years.. well you are lucky. I was like that for 5 more years!

Reflections: Ahem.... ball in your court, plz read comment i left for the post.

Stillwaters: Stop him! Stop him! pleeeese....:D

Deepu: will check it out. Must be a laugh riot!

Nikhil: They may not tell it aloud, but I get the feeling that inside everyone is still telling this...:D

the Layman: Yeah! EXACTLY what I meant!

Prasanth: "Few falsehoods are as potent as the one that anyone can build a body." A 100% agree!

mathew said...

6-Pack – No check!!

u had that as a 6 in one package!!;-P

superbily written post..

DeeplyDip said...

rofl! first time on your blog - thru reflection's blog and am i glad to be here. It was a real nice read

mathew said...

you are tagged!!

Abraham Menacherry said...

Mathew: Done!!

DeeplyDip: Thank You!

Primitive Lyric said...

Another of your hilarious posts!:))!
I like your final stance though! It's like me going to the gym early in the morning to shed all my pregnancy weight (erm..20 kilos to be exact)! I didn't lose a lot (2 kilos maybe, and a few grams here and there). Tired and sleepy, I finally decided to turn happy fat (as opposed to sad fat)! Yaaaay!

tulips said... funnnny! amazing post!

VIDYA said...

phew! This really high-up person at my office (whr i was intrning) who never Jokes,
asked me 'so wat do u generally do when its windy?' :o
dont ppl have better things to talk abt, like st alphonsa for ex. but then again, its nice i call the fat ones 'roly poly' or 'ari chaku' f they r mallus! :D

Abraham Menacherry said...

Primitive Lyric: Happy and Fat.. thats a nice way of putting it! Maybe I just imagine it, but somehow I think plump people are more jovial and warm than the skinny ones.

tulips: Thank you!

Vidya: Ha ha, that was hilarious! I've heard a lot of similar comments till a few years back!

amith said...

Hii Caught up after a long time
The post is very funny..
Actually its the other way round here..
After 2 babies, and a pure maloo die, the fat would just not go :)

amith said...

hii.. anooja here as amith.. my cousin was logged into orkut, when i typed the comment :-P.. never realized this until i saw the comment appear....

confucius said...

I reminds me of my gym days. The only difference was that I was born fat. Tried for six packs for six months...and I remained with a whole protruding belly pack....