Saturday, May 16, 2009

How many kilometers from Washington DC to Miami Beach?

On a quiet evening at my office sometime in 2008, I get a phone call from Shyam.
Shyam: Da! we got an Idea.
I: Who is “we”?
Shyam: You and me.
I: Oh!
Shyam: Da, lets drive from Delhi to Bangalore. We will do it in December, I have done the research on the route, things to see, places to stay and all... Perreria and nishu have agreed to come...
I: Wow!! drive from Delhi to Bangalore, wow! But what about the car?
Shyam: heh heh, its actually nishu's Idea. His parents are retiring and he has to bring the car back to Bangalore.
I: Oh yeah! I remember his email. Ok, man I will ask my manager for the leave right away... wow! I am so exited.... we rock dude!
Shyam: Control your “gay” attitude and get the leave now!
I: Ok, ok. Hold on machu, I will talk to him right away.

Suddenly, a thunderbolt hits Wipro campus and a certain engineer turns into a slimeball just like that!!
Slimeball slides up to the slimeball's manager.
Slimeball: Manager, manager could you give me a weeks leave during December?
Manager: No way! I am sending you to the U.S during that time. No leave!
Slimeball: What!!!! To the U.S of A where the blonde's live!!!
Manager(dreamy look in his eyes): Yes and please get off my boots!

Tring Tring!
Shyam picks up the phone and hears the following dialogue followed by a click.
“YOU DIRTY INDIAN!!!!” you can go to Delhi yourself, I am going to the U.S in search of my destiny.

The next call was to my mother.
Me: Woman!!! all your prayers have come to naught and I am finally going to the U.S of A.
Amma: What!!! “Entae velankanni mathaave! chathicho!!!*” How can you let my stupid irresponsible son go to that immoral country, where his corrupted mind will find fertile ground! Dont worry son, I will burn a hundred candles to stop this.
Me: What!!! don't you dare!!

The following months passed in ecstatic expectation. Fortunately my mothers prayers went unanswered and on a cool December night, I was all ready to fly. As is the custom in my family, before any long journey, there was a prayer said.

Amma: Hail Mary, full of grace....

Not to be left behind, I also said a prayer.

Oh Lord, make the blondes promiscuous,
The latino’s volptous
The blacks luscious
The chinese sensuous
and keep far away, the Indians!
I know, I am asking too much, but hey! Thats why we call you “God” God.

Thus, without much drama, I boarded the flight(Airbus A-380!!!) and reached NY.

Interview with the immigration official at the port of entry
Immigration official: Reason for visit?
Me: Fun fun fun…err I mean, to work in the U.S of A
IO: Your relationship with Al-quaeda?
Me: They intend to bomb the blondes…. I intend to bang the blondes. Erm... I mean we don’t have any ‘relationship’ as such.
IO: What is your opinion about the Iraq war?
Me: Your bomb to democracy strategy.... wow! what an Idea sirjee!
IO: It says your religion is “Syrian Catholic” what is your nefarious relationship with the Syrians?
Me: The patriarch of Antioch is a good man, I however, follow the Pope.
IO: Ok, One final question. How many kilometers from Washington DC to Miami Beach?
Me (Happy tears in my eyes!): "ha!ha!ha! I am the answer...Kilometers and kilometers.. in these days of degenerating decency of Miami beach to Washington DC when diplomacy and supercity become interchangeable from complicated America to America!!**"
IO(Happy tears in his eyes!): Welcome to the U.S son, Welcome Welcome!!

For those of you who would like to contact me while I am here. The address is provided below.
24/7 (read 24 “bar” 7)
Strip (and search) club
Hottie babes road
Sin city
Pin 666-666

For those doubting Thomases out there...

* Oh! My sweet mother Mary!
** Old Mohanlal movie dialogue.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Green Peace and New Year Resolutions

Resolutions, I avoid like the plague, they are not meant for fickle minded people like me who should be put to sea, that their business might be everything and their intent everywhere.

But then, the flesh is weak and this year, against my better judgment I have resolved to learn cooking. (Wipe that dumb smile off your face, will you!).

Scene 1 - Camera rolling.
Camera man: What’s all this bloody smoke, I can’t see a thing! Is this cooking or smokescreen for shooting “I am a disco dancer!”.
Me (Sheepish grin): Err… I put the wrong oil I Think.
CM: what did you put?
Me: Was blue in color… come to think of it, could be kerosene
CM: Bloody hell!!!!!

Scene 2 – Frantic call home.
Me: Amme I have added the salt and pepper… now what?
Amma: let it fry for a minute.
Me (after a minute): It stuck to the bottom!! Why did you ask me to wait so long? You are so dumb amma!
Amma: Oh Really! That’s strange….. did you not add two cups of water initially like I told you to?
Me: ermm.. ummm…. Cant hear you….. bad line.. screech screech!! CUT!

Scene 3 –
Me: Search for ചെറുപയറു തോരന്‍ (green gram whatever)
Computer: Two recipes found!
Me: Click number 1
Computer: Add one cup of green gram to blah blah blah…

Two hours, 3 smoke alarms, 2 fires and one bad curry later.
Me (Thinking): What went wrong??? Let me check it with Amma.
Me: I made ചെറുപയറു തോരന്‍ today, this is how I did it… blah blah. But for some reason it went wrong!
Amma: Forget the thoran, how did the last one turn out, eh?
Me: I am asking you a q here!! Focus on it, will you!
Amma: Ok big shot, shoot your q!
Me: What did I do wrong with the thoran?
Amma: You seem to have done it right… hmmm did you soak the green gram overnight/boil it at least once in water?
Me: No! didn’t say anything about soaking.
Amma: You idiot! Even a 5 year old knows that you can’t add raw green grams to make thoran!! It would be so hard to bite.
Me: I am not a 5 year old you know!! CUT!!

Scene 4 – The ego swallow.
Me: Ammae…. Its me again…heh heh.
Amma: Oh! The snob is back! Thought you didn’t want any more advice from your poor old mom.
Me: നല്ല അമ്മ അല്ലഏ ഒന്നു കൂടി പറഞ്ഞേ (repeat please!)
Amma: hmm… well this is the last time I am going to repeat, so hear it proper, ok! You need to soak the gram for a night or boil it, add… blah blah.
Me: Got it!
Next day.
Amma: How did it go?
Me: Ever heard of paradise lost?
Amma: Speak no more!
Me: Ammae! How about cooking green peas?
Amma: What I want now is some green peace!!

P.S: I am selling some cooking pots, pans, plates, oil and rotten vegetables... real big discounts hurry hurry before offer closes. I need to buy some peace-of-mind though, know any good deal?