On a quiet evening at my office sometime in 2008, I get a phone call from Shyam.
Shyam: Da! we got an Idea.
I: Who is “we”?
Shyam: You and me.
Shyam: Da, lets drive from Delhi to Bangalore. We will do it in December, I have done the research on the route, things to see, places to stay and all... Perreria and nishu have agreed to come...
I: Wow!! drive from Delhi to Bangalore, wow! But what about the car?
Shyam: heh heh, its actually nishu's Idea. His parents are retiring and he has to bring the car back to Bangalore.
I: Oh yeah! I remember his email. Ok, man I will ask my manager for the leave right away... wow! I am so exited.... we rock dude!
Shyam: Control your “gay” attitude and get the leave now!
I: Ok, ok. Hold on machu, I will talk to him right away.
Suddenly, a thunderbolt hits Wipro campus and a certain engineer turns into a slimeball just like that!!
Slimeball slides up to the slimeball's manager.
Slimeball: Manager, manager could you give me a weeks leave during December?
Manager: No way! I am sending you to the U.S during that time. No leave!
Slimeball: What!!!! To the U.S of A where the blonde's live!!!
Manager(dreamy look in his eyes): Yes and please get off my boots!
Shyam picks up the phone and hears the following dialogue followed by a click.
“YOU DIRTY INDIAN!!!!” you can go to Delhi yourself, I am going to the U.S in search of my destiny.
The next call was to my mother.
Me: Woman!!! all your prayers have come to naught and I am finally going to the U.S of A.
Amma: What!!! “Entae velankanni mathaave! chathicho!!!*” How can you let my stupid irresponsible son go to that immoral country, where his corrupted mind will find fertile ground! Dont worry son, I will burn a hundred candles to stop this.
Me: What!!! don't you dare!!
The following months passed in ecstatic expectation. Fortunately my mothers prayers went unanswered and on a cool December night, I was all ready to fly. As is the custom in my family, before any long journey, there was a prayer said.
Amma: Hail Mary, full of grace....
Not to be left behind, I also said a prayer.
Oh Lord, make the blondes promiscuous,
The latino’s volptous
The blacks luscious
The chinese sensuous
and keep far away, the Indians!
I know, I am asking too much, but hey! Thats why we call you “God” God.
Thus, without much drama, I boarded the flight(Airbus A-380!!!) and reached NY.
Interview with the immigration official at the port of entry
Immigration official: Reason for visit?
Me: Fun fun fun…err I mean, to work in the U.S of A
IO: Your relationship with Al-quaeda?
Me: They intend to bomb the blondes…. I intend to bang the blondes. Erm... I mean we don’t have any ‘relationship’ as such.
IO: What is your opinion about the Iraq war?
Me: Your bomb to democracy strategy.... wow! what an Idea sirjee!
IO: It says your religion is “Syrian Catholic” what is your nefarious relationship with the Syrians?
Me: The patriarch of Antioch is a good man, I however, follow the Pope.
IO: Ok, One final question. How many kilometers from Washington DC to Miami Beach?
Me (Happy tears in my eyes!): "ha!ha!ha! I am the answer...Kilometers and kilometers.. in these days of degenerating decency of Miami beach to Washington DC when diplomacy and supercity become interchangeable from complicated America to America!!**"
IO(Happy tears in his eyes!): Welcome to the U.S son, Welcome Welcome!!
For those of you who would like to contact me while I am here. The address is provided below.
24/7 (read 24 “bar” 7)
Strip (and search) club
Hottie babes road
For those doubting Thomases out there...
* Oh! My sweet mother Mary!
** Old Mohanlal movie dialogue.