Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Horoscope madness

Are you suicidal? Looking for an easy way to go? Allow me to suggest one that’s pretty sure to work.

Just mention the word “Jaathakam” (Horoscope) to Prasanth Rajan a.k.a lolan and he is sure to murder you in cold blood. After all, his problem is that he doesn’t have any paapam (Sin) in his horoscope while all suitable girls have loads of paapam.

For months his parents searched high and low for a sinless female, but to no avail. Finally last week lolan's father called up to say ‘I quit!’. These days he does some sin and calls up his father to tell ‘acha, I have sinned, does it count?’ and his father replies ‘No monae, only your birth sin counts. No point in doing any more’. But lolan is a persistent guy, he keeps trying sincerely!

Last month, the internet bill at lolan’s place was 12,000 Rupees. Most of it was due to our diligent viewing of porn videos. But a significant portion of the bill was contributed by lolan who surfed non-stop through match making websites. He would identify some good looking female, check out the match in their horoscopes and (don’t hold your breath) be disappointed.

Finally after months (years?) of searching he finally found not one, but two girls who had matching horoscopes!! To tell that he was elated would be an understatement. The only confusion was, which one would he marry? After all with such screwed up horoscopes they would be willing to marry any dumb idiot (I am not suggesting here that lolan is a dumb idiot, but Hey! its your free will…:D) who had a similar horoscope.

Both were good looking females. The character analysis would now determine who was the (un)lucky girl to win dear lolan's hand in marriage. So, off goes lolan and logs into Orkut.

Female 1 Profile:
Blah blah blah
What interest’s lolan however is the ‘Turn On’ field
Turn On: Erotica

Now, if it was me, I wouldn’t have minded it. In fact I would have respected her for being so forthright. Not so, with lolan. He wouldn’t marry anybody whose turn on was bloody ‘erotica’. After all, babies are made by kissing right.

Female 2 Profile:
Blah blah blan
What interest’s lolan this time is the ‘Interests’ field.
Interests: ‘Shappillae paatukal’ (Toddy shop songs)

Now if it was me…….ok, you get the picture.

These days lolan is planning to make an Orkut community named ‘Matham oru kotham, Jaathakam oru maaranam’ (Religion is an ass and horoscope a pain in them).

Then there is Samjith with his paamp(Snake). You see, he has a snake in his horoscope. There are many theories on how the snake got into his horoscope, chief among them being that on the day his horoscope was written he was drunk and rolling on the floor like a snake*. He denies it vehemently, but fortunately that story has a happy ending. He is going to get married next month.

And then there’s Nikhil, our very own ‘Most screwed horoscope for the year 2008’ award winner. He said "yes" to the first girl he met. The girls parents consulted an astrologer and found out that she wouldn’t finish the year if she married him (Hey! You don’t need to be an astrologer to tell that!!!).

He said "yes" to the second girl he met. But this time they found out that he had ‘Chovva dosham’ (Read 'The deep shit Mars effect').

Now, he went to the astrologers himself to make sure what was going on. The first one said he had Chovva dosham for sure. The second one said that he had Chovva dosham, but it was kind of benign, coz some other planet was more relevant and it opposed the bad affect of our villian Mars. The third one said he had no Mars effect. Rumor has it that, Nikhil wrote to NASA to drop a few H-Bombs there. Instead they dropped the Phoenix Mars Lander and maybe because of that, he is currently engaged to get married.

*adichu paamp-ayee ennu vaayikkuka