Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Horoscope madness

Are you suicidal? Looking for an easy way to go? Allow me to suggest one that’s pretty sure to work.

Just mention the word “Jaathakam” (Horoscope) to Prasanth Rajan a.k.a lolan and he is sure to murder you in cold blood. After all, his problem is that he doesn’t have any paapam (Sin) in his horoscope while all suitable girls have loads of paapam.

For months his parents searched high and low for a sinless female, but to no avail. Finally last week lolan's father called up to say ‘I quit!’. These days he does some sin and calls up his father to tell ‘acha, I have sinned, does it count?’ and his father replies ‘No monae, only your birth sin counts. No point in doing any more’. But lolan is a persistent guy, he keeps trying sincerely!

Last month, the internet bill at lolan’s place was 12,000 Rupees. Most of it was due to our diligent viewing of porn videos. But a significant portion of the bill was contributed by lolan who surfed non-stop through match making websites. He would identify some good looking female, check out the match in their horoscopes and (don’t hold your breath) be disappointed.

Finally after months (years?) of searching he finally found not one, but two girls who had matching horoscopes!! To tell that he was elated would be an understatement. The only confusion was, which one would he marry? After all with such screwed up horoscopes they would be willing to marry any dumb idiot (I am not suggesting here that lolan is a dumb idiot, but Hey! its your free will…:D) who had a similar horoscope.

Both were good looking females. The character analysis would now determine who was the (un)lucky girl to win dear lolan's hand in marriage. So, off goes lolan and logs into Orkut.

Female 1 Profile:
Blah blah blah
What interest’s lolan however is the ‘Turn On’ field
Turn On: Erotica

Now, if it was me, I wouldn’t have minded it. In fact I would have respected her for being so forthright. Not so, with lolan. He wouldn’t marry anybody whose turn on was bloody ‘erotica’. After all, babies are made by kissing right.

Female 2 Profile:
Blah blah blan
What interest’s lolan this time is the ‘Interests’ field.
Interests: ‘Shappillae paatukal’ (Toddy shop songs)

Now if it was me…….ok, you get the picture.

These days lolan is planning to make an Orkut community named ‘Matham oru kotham, Jaathakam oru maaranam’ (Religion is an ass and horoscope a pain in them).

Then there is Samjith with his paamp(Snake). You see, he has a snake in his horoscope. There are many theories on how the snake got into his horoscope, chief among them being that on the day his horoscope was written he was drunk and rolling on the floor like a snake*. He denies it vehemently, but fortunately that story has a happy ending. He is going to get married next month.

And then there’s Nikhil, our very own ‘Most screwed horoscope for the year 2008’ award winner. He said "yes" to the first girl he met. The girls parents consulted an astrologer and found out that she wouldn’t finish the year if she married him (Hey! You don’t need to be an astrologer to tell that!!!).

He said "yes" to the second girl he met. But this time they found out that he had ‘Chovva dosham’ (Read 'The deep shit Mars effect').

Now, he went to the astrologers himself to make sure what was going on. The first one said he had Chovva dosham for sure. The second one said that he had Chovva dosham, but it was kind of benign, coz some other planet was more relevant and it opposed the bad affect of our villian Mars. The third one said he had no Mars effect. Rumor has it that, Nikhil wrote to NASA to drop a few H-Bombs there. Instead they dropped the Phoenix Mars Lander and maybe because of that, he is currently engaged to get married.

*adichu paamp-ayee ennu vaayikkuka


Nikhil said...

he he...
jeevikaan samathikillaa alle?? :)

njaan ipppool valiya horoscope vishwasiyaaa.. ippo kuchan enne engane nookuvanenne enikke samshayam :)

Anonymous said...

hey aby..hope u find the girl with EROTICA written all over her ...

mathew said...

awesome..like the sarcastic and hell with it tone of the post!!

P.S.got the blog link from silverine..

hammy said...

Ah... Horoscopes. We Cancerians don't really believe in them.

The only 'chovva dosham' I know of is in my old hostel's drinking water. Enthoru chovvaya!! Ho!

Again... got the link from Silverine

Abraham Menacherry said...

Nikhil: He he... enne konde pattunna cheriyoru sahayam...:D

anon: Hmm... thats like my christmas wish or something...:D

mathew: Thanks, read your blog... it's really 'beefy'..:)

Hammy: ha ha.. funny! Now, I gotta check out Silverline!

silverine said...


Good one. Got your link from a friend. Enjoyed the other posts too. I am terrible with signatures too. In fact I am planning on migrating to Thumb Impressions :(

Your wedding rituals or rather after wedding rituals are so similar to ours :)

@Hammy: LOL!!!!

Abraham Menacherry said...

Silverline: Either they should take good old thumb impression or the ultra modern digital signature.. nothing in between..:D

Confused said...

LOL!! That was the most hillarious post!! You just stripped that poor guy naked..Not fair that his jatakam is ruining his chances of tying the knot!!Fall in love....!!That makes things so easy!!

N!$#@N^# said...

The other side...

I can't belive looser lolan is going to get married, pamb samjith is going to get married, kanjavadi niki is gona get married and to add salt to the wounds valli is going to get married.. which brings me to the conclusion that if the concept of jathakam was not there .. they would never hav got a girl... :) elllee...

stillwaters said...

You totally rip apart your frens in your posts dont u? How come ur still alive??? ;)

Regarding horoscopes, I know two couples who fell in love and then decided to get their stars matched.(Big Mistake!!) They found out that if they tie the knot, it would be fatal for one of them. Very tough situation!!

Abraham Menacherry said...

confused: ha ha.. yeah, I will suggest it to him.

Nishu: Lolan's marriage is not fixed! yeah, it is such 'tragic' events that makes one a beleiver!

stillwaters: Its not that they dont try!!!
My take on horoscope is that it is just like Sati... a social menace that should be banned!

nikhil said...

nishu.. you are a bit over confident.. :) Nee ee field lotte irangiyitillaloo?? :) how are things at Germany. I guess you are still a sanyasi.. kalla sanyaasi :)

Anonymous said...

very well written!

Dils said...

Kidilam !!!

Rahul_VT said...

Kidilol Kidilam !!!!

HJKL a.k.a h2l said...

I came here by googling to learn all the intricacies of horoscope thing and had a good laugh on this article. I am going through this phase now :D I got half papam though ;)

Anonymous said...

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