Wednesday, August 8, 2007

E-Mail from God@heaven.com

To: All_You_Insufferable_Vegetarians@earth.com

Subject: vegetarianism, the abomination.

Hello hypocrites,
When I made the world, I put in some laws of nature. One very important rule was, “Everything eats everything else directly or indirectly”. If you don’t want to eat a particular class of food (read non-veg) then, that is your decision and being a very democratic kind of God, I accept it. Albeit, not whole heartedly. But will you kindly stop bugging my true followers who eat everything that moves?

Now, I have called you hypocrites for good reason(s)
1. While you resist eating living things that move, you have no qualms about eat living things that don’t move. Do you think that the trees and the herbs have no feelings just because they don’t move and don’t make a sound? Ever seen tree sap ooze out of an injured bark? Looks like somebody is bleeeeeeeding!

2. While you resist eating/killing living things that you can see, you have no qualms about killing living things that you can’t see. Remember the mosquito you swatted? The genocide you unleashed on the poor bacteria and viruses each time you sneezed/moved? Ever thought of those poor orphan kids of those unlucky bacteria?

Just like you kill the virus, I have allowed the virus to kill you, the maggots to eat you, the trees to use you as manure and the vultures to pull out your innards. In the same spirit (not to be confused with the holy Ghost or the bottled one), I allow you to eat all or any of them.

As I mentioned earlier, I don’t mind you not eating the good stuff. But when you start guilt edging people into vegetarianism…. that is taking things too far! Some of you don’t eat veg-food from a non-veg joint. I know so many guys (including one son of mine named after an Israeli “father of the nations”) who lost out on the delicious Chicken Mugalai and Bengali fried fish just because you girly grass eaters refused to go to a non-vegetarian restaurant (and that too on company expense!!)

Another abominable tactic of yours is to stare at my dutiful children with that “ooo-you-are-a-killer” look and/or pass snide remarks that are too uncouth to be written down. Yet another tactic involves “converting” your spouses to vegetarianism against their wishes by use of emotional blackmail.

Thank your stars that I have mellowed down a bit in the past 2-3 thousand years. Back then, my normal modus operandi against people who did unnatural acts was to give them the sulfur fire treatment (remember Sodom??). Other creative ideas included the water treatment (Noah fame) and feeding prophets to the sharks. Forget people, just look at what I did to those dinosaurs. Those guys were getting too big. Along comes a comet and bang goes the dinosaur. You think that was chance?? Think again!

Stuff like this keeps happening all through my curriculum vitae. Of course, you don’t need to worry so much. I am, after all, a loving God who is just in the habit of making offers that you can’t refuse. So here goes the 11th commandment. Next time the menu for your cafeteria gets decided, thou shall not interfere and make it a vegetarian menu with utter disregard of all the non-vegetarians around thee.

[Violation of the above rule is prohibited under section 666 of the heavenly penal code. Transgressors will be cooked in the eternal flames of hell and fed to non vegetarians. ]

Now, it is time for a confession. People believe that I am perfect and I am, but that doesn’t mean that whatever I make is perfect. Like, if you make a million electronic chips, no one chip will be the same as the other completely. In the same way, no two people I make, are the same. There are variations (ok, ok there are defects too!) like people with Down syndrome, people with a tendency to eat vegetarian stuff etc.

The defect with vegetarians is that they suffer from the “what I am doing is correct” and “everyone who doesn’t follow this path is wrong” anomalies. This anomaly is the result of the sum total of the anomalies in the equation forming the matrix trying to balance blah blah blah….. Point is, I couldn’t fix it! But take heart! Have I not blessed you with enough and more intelligence? In time, you will find a medicine for vegetarianism too. In the mean time please stop converting others to your misguided path (Or else…)

So, my message to you is..... "The world doesn’t need more vegetarians, it just needs far lesser human beings!"*

Luv,
God.

*One practical solution being to eat each other! And only non vegetarians can do that.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

what the fu** was that crap ?

man are u losin ur touch , or are u being a touch too philosophical...

God and u don't mix
just like oil and water ...

by now u might know who i am ?

cheers hypocrite

N!$#@N^# said...

well!!well!!well!!

I completely agree, vegetarianism is a cardinal sin!! hail all mallus who can't stay veg for long(I have only seen mallus, desperate for a portion of a fish or chicken when they have their meals..) No wonder malluland is called.. "Gods own Country"

Am a proud mallu who eats everything thats edible.. It does not matter whether it has 4 legs, or 2 legs or wings or it just crawls..

N!$#@N^# said...

btw have u ever thought why we have a big intestine ???

Abraham Menacherry said...

Anonymous: I have a few names shortlisted, one of whom is a bengali confused male. Another is a malayali female and all the rest malayali males. And how dare you call me hypocrite... I am not vegetarian!!!!

Nishu: Among Indians, I guess only us mallus and a few northeastern tribes understand the true gastronomic delight of non vegetarianism.....:)

Bavitha said...

Awesome entry. But I have got to comment (take a deep breath, it's long).

According to Bavithianism (I'm not making this up), everybody is free to believe what they want and live how they want, as long as they don't force it upon others. Now keeping that in mind: I'm not a vegetarian, but I if I were one, here's what I'd say -
What you're saying makes sense - only because you believe it's perfectly ethical for human beings to eat each other. So you're fine coz "everybody is free to believe what they want". And here's what I believe - for now, I don't have any intention of turning cannibal and because of that, I don't think it's right for people to hurt animals intentionally or unnecessarily when we wouldn't do it to a fellow human being (we have to eat after all, so why not eat something that you don't know for sure feels pain - plants). And as for killing viruses and bacteria - it's all about survival of the fittest right?

God hasn't given animals the sense or intellect or conscience to realize and understand all the things that are taught in Bavithianism and hence they eat whatever is set as per the laws of the food chain by the primitive man (back in the days before Bavithianism). Staying true to my religion, you are free to eat human beings - just make sure you maintain a 101 mile radius from me.

But on a serious note though, I guess it's all about what you believe in and completely subjective. For now, I'm a happy non-vegetarian who dislikes animals.

Bavitha said...

You post the same comment twice (if not thrice)on my blog. So I think it's only fair that I do the same. :P

Awesome entry. But I have got to comment (take a deep breath, it's long).

According to Bavithianism (I'm not making this up), everybody is free to believe what they want and live how they want, as long as they don't force it upon others. Now keeping that in mind: I'm not a vegetarian, but I if I were one, here's what I'd say -
What you're saying makes sense - only because you believe it's perfectly ethical for human beings to eat each other. So you're fine coz "everybody is free to believe what they want". And here's what I believe - for now, I don't have any intention of turning cannibal and because of that, I don't think it's right for people to hurt animals intentionally or unnecessarily when we wouldn't do it to a fellow human being (we have to eat after all, so why not eat something that you don't know for sure feels pain - plants). And as for killing viruses and bacteria - it's all about survival of the fittest right?

God hasn't given animals the sense or intellect or conscience to realize and understand all the things that are taught in Bavithianism and hence they eat whatever is set as per the laws of the food chain by the primitive man (back in the days before Bavithianism). Staying true to my religion, you are free to eat human beings - just make sure you maintain a 101 mile radius from me.

But on a serious note though, I guess it's all about what you believe in and completely subjective. For now, I'm a happy non-vegetarian who dislikes animals.

Abraham Menacherry said...

ur double posting was hilarious! thanks for increasing my comment count...:)
Bavithianism seems like a good religion to me, the world would have been a better place if people were ur followers...:)

jagadeesh said...

Amazing write man!! I bow at your hilarious writing style!! You are far too sprachegfuhl (couldn't resist making an ostentatious display of a newly learnt word) ;o)....

Vegetarianism or non-vegetarianism is just a matter of preference. Its not that one is better than the other. I'd say ppl, start respecting fellow human beings (who can talk) before you start sympathizing with those animals (who wont talk). You aint hearing a human cry, what makes you cry, when you hear a "baaa..h"" or a "meee...h"

100 marks for thoughts, 100mark for your style, and 100 marks to me for reading it!! :o)

Abraham Menacherry said...

"sprachgefuhl" my oh my!! thot it was German at first look as if uttered by Rammstein and meaning something filthy....:) I am flattered to know the actual meaning.

and here is another 100 marks to you.. veruthae!

♥busy_writer♥ said...

haha.. amazing write-up!! i second your thoughts completely!!! :-p

Abraham said...

busy_writer: thank u!

Sarah said...

Had a hearty laugh!

I don't agree to some stuff that God 'confesses' towards the end...nevertheless, i presume that's the aftermath of not havin read the print version of God's e- mail (wich we call Bible), before u attempted to write an e mail on His behalf! It's neva too late, tho'! :)

Really liked ur style of writing...will visit this space regularly now! :)

Sakshi said...

Hey Abraham,

May be I am too late as in may be I woke up to your blog after an year but it made me laugh a lot. Good one :-))

treii28 said...

"Oh god" I wish it was that easy. Mayhaps the whole 'calmed down the last 2-3 thousand years' should be more applied to the primative nature of man and the rediculous nature of his superstitious nonsense. (i.e. god doesn't do the sulfur thing anymore because he never did because he ain't - pure and simple)

But with that taken into consideration, I agree with you that we all kill stuff regardless what we do - we all eat everything whether we chew on grass that thrived on the decaying remains of a dead field mouse or hack off a chunk of steak.

There's one reality of life - everything that lives, dies! Get used to it! Does that mean you need to kill things unnecessarily? Of course not, but I hardly consider an omnivore (hint, that's what we are) eating meat with their 'side dish' of vegetables as unnecessarily killing anything.

To quote a great sage of the age, "Yeah, I'll show you animal 'rights' - Animals have 'rights'..... to garlic and butter!" - Ted Nugent!

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Anonymous said...

Today I received a spam email from "god@heaven", it was a listing for a property close to where I live, which is in New Zealand.

Now the funny thing is, many of my friends know what sort of property I'm looking for and I think that one of the daft ones that believes in god has ask god to show me the way.... yet another stupid con!

But what really takes the cake is on the heaven.com website god goes on about his dislike for spammers..... yet he has spammed me.... now that's what I call a hypocrite !!!! practice what you preach..... wanker !