“Knock, knock! Open up you bloody ass*****” I shouted from outside Tony’s flat.
Tony (Pullachen) opened the door, his eyes looking blood shot (Whiskey eyes we call it).
But no middle fingers raised, no “get lost F*****” and to top it all, there is a smile playing on his tobacco stained lips!
I look around… is this the right house? Is this the same Pulla? Or was he just too drunk to reciprocate our honorable salutations?
“What’s it da? What’s wrong, why do you look so dazed?” I ask him, thoroughly bewildered.
“Nothing man! I was meditating.”
.
.
.
May the heavens open up and strike me if I am exaggerating one bit... But you could have felled me with a feather right then!!
Nothing rattles us Menacherry’s you know, but then there are these rare moments (The last one being way back in ‘82 when pop Menacherry saw me first time!) when even us great souls lay down our arms in defeat and cry, I quit!.
This was no laughing matter! Our gang’s premier pillar of immorality had suddenly turned into frigging snow white!!! Just like that! The world is definitely going to the dogs, I decided.
Seems like it was the "Pyramid spiritual societies movement" that did this to him! (Must be a pretty evil society!!)
I didn’t care one hoot for all this meditation crap, but he gave me the speech anywayz. It seems that all you need to do is to sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes and take deep breaths. Sounded easy! And to top it, if you are sitting inside a big pyramid, you end up getting a lot cosmic energy…free! No cash backs though…:(
Next thing I know, I am part of the gang that is supposed to visit this pyramid situated about 40 K.M from Bangalore, on the Kanakapura route. Naturally, I was not consulted about it!
Thus on Nov. 2 Sunday morning, I found myself in the company of (women? No! That’s just wishful thinking!) three dumbos who actually believed in this meditation bull shit, namely, Shyam, Pulla and Pakkan.
The place in q is still under construction. Like all holy places, one is supposed to remove ones shoe. I hate removing my shoes, but decided to conform to the rules and not be a spoil sport. What if the pyramid had any special powers after all, eh? Better to be on the right side of un-known entities. They are kind of well known to look down on people with shoes!
The pyramid… well it was an imposing structure, about 5 storeys tall (a rough guess). It looks grey from the outside with some sinister symbols drawn along its triangular faces. We trooped in and were welcomed by a number of boards saying “Silence please!” Thus, totally clammed up and in a highly spiritual mood we entered the pyramid... only to see workers happily hammering away at the struts! With each knock echoing about 5 times over inside the hollow pyramid. Ah! Such divine silence!
Situated at one third the height of the pyramid is the “Kings Seat” The point where all that elusive cosmic energy gets concentrated. We clambered up the stairs and sat in the requisite meditative pose. Pulla, with all his meditation experience entered into “trance mode” in about a minute. I, Shyam and Pakkan followed suit.
Though the meditation itself is simple, one basic percept regarding concentration is real tough. Your mind is supposed to be free from all wanton thoughts and be in full concentration. Easier said than done as I found out!
THUD!!!! That was Shakeela chechi being thrown out of my mind.
thud!! That was Aishwarya Rai.
More thuds ensued, but like Tharakasuara of folklore fame, for each one kicked out, a thousand sprang up! I peeked at the rest of the gang… they were all concentrating perfectly and that too with such serene expressions!
So, I closed my eyes and tried again. This time, I had better luck. I was able to concentrate for about..... 5 seconds...:( Time to change strategy, I decided. To keep my mind occupied, I started releasing the tension in my muscles one by one (an old technique learned during school days… but then, that’s another story!).
I started with my brow, then the pate, then the chin, then the neck… I remember doing it till my chest muscles. The next thing I remember is Tony waking me up..:( I must be an expert at meditation! It is said that only the greatest of the great can attain the "state of sleep" during meditation (Ok! I made it up, now don’t go Googling to prove me wrong!).
On the return journey, I kind of felt left out. They were going on and on about cosmic energy and how they literally “shivered” with all that energy. (Shivering my foot! The only shivering these idiots ever got was when they did not have their Friday night drink) But, I kept my peace. I was pissed off with myself for not being able to concentrate for any long period.
Thus, I am now in the serious search for concentration. I searched a lot and did some serious research on the subject. I guess, It is a well known problem. I found about a million hard ways to achieve it.
Some easy ways too! In my search for this great knowledge, I came upon this juicy fact. The Holy North Indian Baba’s smoke charas/ganja to achieve high levels of concentration!! Finally I have found my answer to all the worlds problems... Nirvana! Here I come!
Anybody got a bit of these narcotic items?? It’s for a good cause you know...:D
Monday, November 10, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Sorrowful is the light my child and so soothing, the dark!*
What is the longest running show on planet earth?
Sholay? Ha! It ran for a mere 5 years and that too, only in 1 theatre.
DDLJ? 7 years. Good, but not good enough to beat the mega show of the century(ies)
“Sorrowful is the light my child but soothing is the dark!” Never heard of it? That maybe since it is not a film in the true sense of the word. But once I introduce the cast and crew, the bulb in your head is going to light up (assuming that you paid your bill of course!)
Director: KSEB (Kerala state electricity board)
Producer: Govt. of Kerala
Actors: You and family.
Viewers: Hmm… considering it is dark, there is nothing much to view.
Like any other soap serial it has its fanatical followers and extreme detractors. I was born agnostic and should have been in neither faction. But in this case, I am definitely an avid supporter.
Power cuts are the epitome of get-togetherness when the whole nuclear family gets around the candle/emergency lamp/solar lamp and gossip to our hearts content. In fact, the most celebrated and eminent psychologist of our time Dr. Menacherry Avarachen** once remarked that “The absence of meaningful communication in the nuclear family is the root cause of all social evil, leading to mass suicides and general depression among the masses. One of the best man made remedies to this alarming disease was devised by our dear KSEB in their power cuts!”
Allow me to prove this theory in a more scientific fashion, with the relative advantages and disadvantages of a power cut.
As you can see, the power-cut is one of the greatest social enablers of our time. This path-breaking treatment for depression and other such illness is sure to see new heights with the K.S.E.B announcing one hour cuts. Three cheers for K.S.E.B for providing this kind of “dhamaka” entertainment! What an idea K.S.E.B!!
*വെളിച്ചം ദുഖം ആണ് ഉണ്ണി തമസല്ലോ സുഗപ്രധം
** Any resemblance to living people is purely intentional.
Sholay? Ha! It ran for a mere 5 years and that too, only in 1 theatre.
DDLJ? 7 years. Good, but not good enough to beat the mega show of the century(ies)
“Sorrowful is the light my child but soothing is the dark!” Never heard of it? That maybe since it is not a film in the true sense of the word. But once I introduce the cast and crew, the bulb in your head is going to light up (assuming that you paid your bill of course!)
Director: KSEB (Kerala state electricity board)
Producer: Govt. of Kerala
Actors: You and family.
Viewers: Hmm… considering it is dark, there is nothing much to view.
Like any other soap serial it has its fanatical followers and extreme detractors. I was born agnostic and should have been in neither faction. But in this case, I am definitely an avid supporter.
Power cuts are the epitome of get-togetherness when the whole nuclear family gets around the candle/emergency lamp/solar lamp and gossip to our hearts content. In fact, the most celebrated and eminent psychologist of our time Dr. Menacherry Avarachen** once remarked that “The absence of meaningful communication in the nuclear family is the root cause of all social evil, leading to mass suicides and general depression among the masses. One of the best man made remedies to this alarming disease was devised by our dear KSEB in their power cuts!”
Allow me to prove this theory in a more scientific fashion, with the relative advantages and disadvantages of a power cut.
| Advantages | Disadvantages |
|---|---|
| No T.V | No T.V! |
| A great communication enabler. Everybody gossips! | |
| Reduces global warming | |
| Helps to develop keener eyesight and hearing | |
| Reduces stress as one needn’t watch the horribly terrible, tear-jerking mallu soap serial where everyone seems to be crying their bloody hearts out. | Can have unforeseen side affects. Once, a tape containing some “funny” material got stuck in my V.C.R and God only knows the stress I went through till the power came back. |
| A nice excuse not to study. “Ammae do you want me to spoil my eyes reading in this dim light” dialogue always works! | |
| An outlet to vent out for your sadistic urges. Pinching bottoms is so easy and nobody whacks you in return. |
As you can see, the power-cut is one of the greatest social enablers of our time. This path-breaking treatment for depression and other such illness is sure to see new heights with the K.S.E.B announcing one hour cuts. Three cheers for K.S.E.B for providing this kind of “dhamaka” entertainment! What an idea K.S.E.B!!
*വെളിച്ചം ദുഖം ആണ് ഉണ്ണി തമസല്ലോ സുഗപ്രധം
** Any resemblance to living people is purely intentional.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
The last of the Teetotalers
[warning: Only Malaylees might understand this post due to the specific context and characters used.]
Prologue
Minister Paambu Velayudhan of the respected Govt. of Kerala was in a foul mood. It was a beautiful Hartal day when the Minister was enjoying his bottle of toddy, by a field of paddy and totally happy when those damn Green peace people (Stooges of a foreign capitalist power!!) called for a meeting to discuss about a highly endangered species.
The minister initially tried to squirrel out of the meeting, but finally, thinking of the poor endangered species he decided to attend.
The meeting
Green peace official (GPO): Sir there is an alarming decrease in the number of this exotic species. It is time that your venerable Govt. took action to save it from extinction.
Minister: I think you foreigners are exaggerating as usual. I am sure that there must be at least a thousand of those left in our beautiful state.
GPO: No sir! I am not exaggerating one bit. Our expert team has searched high and low for this species with no luck. We have used advanced G.P.S technology, satellite sensing, infra red imaging, nuclear fission and other classified technologies to find the last of the species, but all our efforts have resulted in failure. It is time now for the Govt. to take stock of this alarming situation.
Minister: Utter balderdash! Did you ask our most capable and fearless animal tracker to find this species?
GPO: Err.. no sir, who is this great man?
Minister: Shikari Shambu! Rest assured, I will put this expert on the job and he will get you a dozen of the species in no time.
GPO: Thank you sir!
Minister: By the by, what did you say was the scientific name of this exotic species?
GPO: “Sober Malabaricus homo sapien” It also goes by the alias “Pinthiri Teetotaler Malayalee”
The elusive species
On receiving instructions from the honorable Minister, Shikari Shambu packed his gun, upped his trousers, downed his hat and legged it to the nearest forest. This was the most difficult assignment he had ever faced. He spent months on end searching the forests of Kerala for this exotic species but with little luck. Up and down and north and south, there was no sign of this Sober Malabaricus imbecile! Those green peace people were right. The last of this species seemed to have died out millennia ago!
Thus, one fine day, he was sitting totally dejected, gun supporting chin, thinking of the next plan of action when Kapish made his appearance. “Looking looking twine, curling around leg”* thought Shikari Shambu. Kapish was the most intelligent monkey** on the planet, he would definitely know about this God forsaken species!
Shikari Shambu: Hey! Kapish! Have you seen this Sober Malabaricus homo sapien species anywhere?
Kapish: Yes, he made this state by throwing an axe, but that was a long time back. I don’t know about any more of the species!
Shikari Shambu looked downright unhappy at this sad news. There went his retirement plan!
On seeing the Shikari so thoroughly dejected Kapish felt sorry for him. He thought long and hard and finally devised a plan of action.
Kapish: Shikari! Don’t be so dejected! I have a plan up my sleeve…. Err.... tail!
Shikari: Oh really? What is it?
Kapish: There is another species in the state which fits all the characteristics of your exotic species. But it is not a pure Malayalee species… actually, it is Gujarati. But don’t worry, it has been in the state for many years now and can pass off as an authentic Malayalee.
Shikari: How did you come across this thing? I have been trying to find it for so long!
Kapish: Long story dude, but the short of it is that once this species made me pose in three different positions. Some kind of "photographic" tendencies, I think.
Shikari: Yuck.. that’s sick!
Kapish: Takes all kinds to make a world buddy!
Following the instructions provided by Kapish, Shikari Shambu made haste and found out not one, but many specimens of the species at different corners of the state. Apart from their un-natural abstinence from liquor (which was the defining quality of the species) it also exhibited a remarkable stiffness in its body. Under most circumstances it actually refused to move an inch. It was only after Shikari downed his bottle of toddy that it seemed to move a wee bit.
All the specimens were forwarded to the honorable Minister who in turn forwarded them to the GPO’s. The green peace team was totally stupefied by the capabilities of Kerala’s foremost animal tracking expert and offered him an onsite opportunity in America (Amazon forest!) Everyone was happy and three cheers, sorry prayers were said for the long life of this endangered species.
Epilogue 1
News Item in Manorma: “A number of statue thefts have taken place in the state, most of them being Gandhi statues. Eyewitnesses could not identify the person due to his peculiar hat. It covered his eyes!
Epilogue 2
Malayalees spent more on liquor than on rice and I am part of the disease… It has made me feel so depressed that what I really want now is another drink!
* തേടിയ വള്ളി കാലില് ചുറ്റി....:D
** Indian Monkeys are kind of talkative!
Prologue
Minister Paambu Velayudhan of the respected Govt. of Kerala was in a foul mood. It was a beautiful Hartal day when the Minister was enjoying his bottle of toddy, by a field of paddy and totally happy when those damn Green peace people (Stooges of a foreign capitalist power!!) called for a meeting to discuss about a highly endangered species.
The minister initially tried to squirrel out of the meeting, but finally, thinking of the poor endangered species he decided to attend.
The meeting
Green peace official (GPO): Sir there is an alarming decrease in the number of this exotic species. It is time that your venerable Govt. took action to save it from extinction.
Minister: I think you foreigners are exaggerating as usual. I am sure that there must be at least a thousand of those left in our beautiful state.
GPO: No sir! I am not exaggerating one bit. Our expert team has searched high and low for this species with no luck. We have used advanced G.P.S technology, satellite sensing, infra red imaging, nuclear fission and other classified technologies to find the last of the species, but all our efforts have resulted in failure. It is time now for the Govt. to take stock of this alarming situation.
Minister: Utter balderdash! Did you ask our most capable and fearless animal tracker to find this species?
GPO: Err.. no sir, who is this great man?
Minister: Shikari Shambu! Rest assured, I will put this expert on the job and he will get you a dozen of the species in no time.
GPO: Thank you sir!
Minister: By the by, what did you say was the scientific name of this exotic species?
GPO: “Sober Malabaricus homo sapien” It also goes by the alias “Pinthiri Teetotaler Malayalee”
The elusive species
On receiving instructions from the honorable Minister, Shikari Shambu packed his gun, upped his trousers, downed his hat and legged it to the nearest forest. This was the most difficult assignment he had ever faced. He spent months on end searching the forests of Kerala for this exotic species but with little luck. Up and down and north and south, there was no sign of this Sober Malabaricus imbecile! Those green peace people were right. The last of this species seemed to have died out millennia ago!
Thus, one fine day, he was sitting totally dejected, gun supporting chin, thinking of the next plan of action when Kapish made his appearance. “Looking looking twine, curling around leg”* thought Shikari Shambu. Kapish was the most intelligent monkey** on the planet, he would definitely know about this God forsaken species!
Shikari Shambu: Hey! Kapish! Have you seen this Sober Malabaricus homo sapien species anywhere?
Kapish: Yes, he made this state by throwing an axe, but that was a long time back. I don’t know about any more of the species!
Shikari Shambu looked downright unhappy at this sad news. There went his retirement plan!
On seeing the Shikari so thoroughly dejected Kapish felt sorry for him. He thought long and hard and finally devised a plan of action.
Kapish: Shikari! Don’t be so dejected! I have a plan up my sleeve…. Err.... tail!
Shikari: Oh really? What is it?
Kapish: There is another species in the state which fits all the characteristics of your exotic species. But it is not a pure Malayalee species… actually, it is Gujarati. But don’t worry, it has been in the state for many years now and can pass off as an authentic Malayalee.
Shikari: How did you come across this thing? I have been trying to find it for so long!
Kapish: Long story dude, but the short of it is that once this species made me pose in three different positions. Some kind of "photographic" tendencies, I think.
Shikari: Yuck.. that’s sick!
Kapish: Takes all kinds to make a world buddy!
Following the instructions provided by Kapish, Shikari Shambu made haste and found out not one, but many specimens of the species at different corners of the state. Apart from their un-natural abstinence from liquor (which was the defining quality of the species) it also exhibited a remarkable stiffness in its body. Under most circumstances it actually refused to move an inch. It was only after Shikari downed his bottle of toddy that it seemed to move a wee bit.
All the specimens were forwarded to the honorable Minister who in turn forwarded them to the GPO’s. The green peace team was totally stupefied by the capabilities of Kerala’s foremost animal tracking expert and offered him an onsite opportunity in America (Amazon forest!) Everyone was happy and three cheers, sorry prayers were said for the long life of this endangered species.
Epilogue 1
News Item in Manorma: “A number of statue thefts have taken place in the state, most of them being Gandhi statues. Eyewitnesses could not identify the person due to his peculiar hat. It covered his eyes!
Epilogue 2
Malayalees spent more on liquor than on rice and I am part of the disease… It has made me feel so depressed that what I really want now is another drink!
* തേടിയ വള്ളി കാലില് ചുറ്റി....:D
** Indian Monkeys are kind of talkative!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Exam time..:(
I was tagged by two people this past week. Reflections and Mathew. Since I live in perpetual fear of my mother stumbling across my blog (we have our little differences, but I really don’t want her to have a heart attack…:D) I have decided to postpone the “addictions” tag from Reflections by about a decade.
It is customary to write two lines about the person who has tagged you. But I pass the opportunity, since I don’t have anything nice to write about Mathew. Any guy who cooks like Mathew does, well, I just plain envy them. Period.
RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by them.
RULE #2 Tag 3 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.
1. If your lover betrayed you what would your reaction be?
Was that a nuclear explosion you heard in the back ground?
2. What’s it that you see in an ideal partner?
Is this some kind of trick question?? I thought, everyone thought it was breasts!
3. What, according to you, is the perfect date?
One in which she pays the bill.
4. Would you like to have children soon enough? Or would you wait till your mid-thirties for the first child?
I don't mind passing on my DNA. But my responsibility ends right there!
5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
I aint gay!!!
6. Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?
Couldn’t care less, all that matters is whether or not we have sex.
7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you love?
As long as I have somebody else... ad infinitum!
8. If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?
The guys married to Salma Hayek and Monica Bellucci better watch out, is all I can say.
9. If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?
Legalizing Marijuana, Hash, LSD, Cocaine.....
10. Do you lie?
No. Err… I did it again!
11. Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Thalle! naatukare appozhekkm enne thalli konnittondakumadae!... (Don’t bother to translate!)
12. What’s your fear?
That Salma Hayek is growing old and I haven’t got my onsite to Mexico yet!
13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
I'll bet that right now he must be cuddling his n'th girlfriend and crooning to her… "Dear, add some more sugar..." Hey! Stop cooking! It’s an unfair advantage, a genetic disorder and waaay under the belt!
14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
Objection your honor! The question is irrelevant considering that Salma Hayek is rich.
15. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?
Infinite loop, system crash!
16. Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done?
The forgiveness, I outsource unto god. The revenge… that is mine!
17. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
God only knows all the crap man endures just to have some decent sex. Yeah, sure…. relationship!
18. What is your all time favorite film?
American Pie…ok, ok its Forrest Gump
From these answers, I must now appear to the reader as a sensitive, loving, caring human being, brimming with life and firmly on the path to saint hood. But, let me explicitly state that such was not my intention per se. It is just that these profound questions brought out the best in me….:D
Ladies… queue please!! This is not m4marry.com!!
I now tag
Anooja
Stillwaters
And Nishanth i.e when that Mandan starts his blog!
It is customary to write two lines about the person who has tagged you. But I pass the opportunity, since I don’t have anything nice to write about Mathew. Any guy who cooks like Mathew does, well, I just plain envy them. Period.
RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by them.
RULE #2 Tag 3 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.
1. If your lover betrayed you what would your reaction be?
Was that a nuclear explosion you heard in the back ground?
2. What’s it that you see in an ideal partner?
Is this some kind of trick question?? I thought, everyone thought it was breasts!
3. What, according to you, is the perfect date?
One in which she pays the bill.
4. Would you like to have children soon enough? Or would you wait till your mid-thirties for the first child?
I don't mind passing on my DNA. But my responsibility ends right there!
5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
I aint gay!!!
6. Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?
Couldn’t care less, all that matters is whether or not we have sex.
7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you love?
As long as I have somebody else... ad infinitum!
8. If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?
The guys married to Salma Hayek and Monica Bellucci better watch out, is all I can say.
9. If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?
Legalizing Marijuana, Hash, LSD, Cocaine.....
10. Do you lie?
No. Err… I did it again!
11. Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Thalle! naatukare appozhekkm enne thalli konnittondakumadae!... (Don’t bother to translate!)
12. What’s your fear?
That Salma Hayek is growing old and I haven’t got my onsite to Mexico yet!
13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
I'll bet that right now he must be cuddling his n'th girlfriend and crooning to her… "Dear, add some more sugar..." Hey! Stop cooking! It’s an unfair advantage, a genetic disorder and waaay under the belt!
14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
Objection your honor! The question is irrelevant considering that Salma Hayek is rich.
15. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?
Infinite loop, system crash!
16. Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done?
The forgiveness, I outsource unto god. The revenge… that is mine!
17. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
God only knows all the crap man endures just to have some decent sex. Yeah, sure…. relationship!
18. What is your all time favorite film?
American Pie…ok, ok its Forrest Gump
From these answers, I must now appear to the reader as a sensitive, loving, caring human being, brimming with life and firmly on the path to saint hood. But, let me explicitly state that such was not my intention per se. It is just that these profound questions brought out the best in me….:D
Ladies… queue please!! This is not m4marry.com!!
I now tag
Anooja
Stillwaters
And Nishanth i.e when that Mandan starts his blog!
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