Saturday, May 16, 2009

How many kilometers from Washington DC to Miami Beach?

On a quiet evening at my office sometime in 2008, I get a phone call from Shyam.
Shyam: Da! we got an Idea.
I: Who is “we”?
Shyam: You and me.
I: Oh!
Shyam: Da, lets drive from Delhi to Bangalore. We will do it in December, I have done the research on the route, things to see, places to stay and all... Perreria and nishu have agreed to come...
I: Wow!! drive from Delhi to Bangalore, wow! But what about the car?
Shyam: heh heh, its actually nishu's Idea. His parents are retiring and he has to bring the car back to Bangalore.
I: Oh yeah! I remember his email. Ok, man I will ask my manager for the leave right away... wow! I am so exited.... we rock dude!
Shyam: Control your “gay” attitude and get the leave now!
I: Ok, ok. Hold on machu, I will talk to him right away.

Suddenly, a thunderbolt hits Wipro campus and a certain engineer turns into a slimeball just like that!!
Slimeball slides up to the slimeball's manager.
Slimeball: Manager, manager could you give me a weeks leave during December?
Manager: No way! I am sending you to the U.S during that time. No leave!
Slimeball: What!!!! To the U.S of A where the blonde's live!!!
Manager(dreamy look in his eyes): Yes and please get off my boots!

Tring Tring!
Shyam picks up the phone and hears the following dialogue followed by a click.
“YOU DIRTY INDIAN!!!!” you can go to Delhi yourself, I am going to the U.S in search of my destiny.

The next call was to my mother.
Me: Woman!!! all your prayers have come to naught and I am finally going to the U.S of A.
Amma: What!!! “Entae velankanni mathaave! chathicho!!!*” How can you let my stupid irresponsible son go to that immoral country, where his corrupted mind will find fertile ground! Dont worry son, I will burn a hundred candles to stop this.
Me: What!!! don't you dare!!

The following months passed in ecstatic expectation. Fortunately my mothers prayers went unanswered and on a cool December night, I was all ready to fly. As is the custom in my family, before any long journey, there was a prayer said.

Amma: Hail Mary, full of grace....

Not to be left behind, I also said a prayer.

Oh Lord, make the blondes promiscuous,
The latino’s volptous
The blacks luscious
The chinese sensuous
and keep far away, the Indians!
I know, I am asking too much, but hey! Thats why we call you “God” God.

Thus, without much drama, I boarded the flight(Airbus A-380!!!) and reached NY.

Interview with the immigration official at the port of entry
Immigration official: Reason for visit?
Me: Fun fun fun…err I mean, to work in the U.S of A
IO: Your relationship with Al-quaeda?
Me: They intend to bomb the blondes…. I intend to bang the blondes. Erm... I mean we don’t have any ‘relationship’ as such.
IO: What is your opinion about the Iraq war?
Me: Your bomb to democracy strategy.... wow! what an Idea sirjee!
IO: It says your religion is “Syrian Catholic” what is your nefarious relationship with the Syrians?
Me: The patriarch of Antioch is a good man, I however, follow the Pope.
IO: Ok, One final question. How many kilometers from Washington DC to Miami Beach?
Me (Happy tears in my eyes!): "ha!ha!ha! I am the answer...Kilometers and kilometers.. in these days of degenerating decency of Miami beach to Washington DC when diplomacy and supercity become interchangeable from complicated America to America!!**"
IO(Happy tears in his eyes!): Welcome to the U.S son, Welcome Welcome!!

For those of you who would like to contact me while I am here. The address is provided below.
24/7 (read 24 “bar” 7)
Strip (and search) club
Hottie babes road
Sin city
Pin 666-666

For those doubting Thomases out there...

* Oh! My sweet mother Mary!
** Old Mohanlal movie dialogue.


mathew said...

ROTFL!! nice to see you back with a bang!!

so you got calls yet from home already asking what you ate..drank..people who met..people who didnot meet...nearby church...fellow mallu bonding etc..;-D

and that mrayer was heights..hehe..

silverine said...

That was hilarious!! So now we know the reason for the long silence! Someone was very busy! :p

Indian Madder said...

LOL.... Howlarious post!It's my first visit to your blog btw...

Enjoy the visit and atb for the...errr.... projects. Incidentally, candles have become prohibitively expensive over the last few months.... now I know!

Unknown said...

Mathew: Thanks. Hmm... you seem to be an expert... those are the EXACT questions I got.

Silverine: Enna cheyyana pengalae sayippe is giving me too much work!

Zahra: First of all, thanks for the comment! B.T.W what does "Zahra" mean?? I think, she is building a church these days as candles have proved very ineffective...:)

Primitive Lyric said...

haha!! No wonder it took you this long to update!:))So are the blondes and latinos being kind to you??!:))))

Unknown said...

Primitive Lyric: I am unable to view your blog any more.. it says by invitation only!!!
Well, what can I say, America is not just Baywatch...:)

Unknown said...

Primitive lyric: is my email

Indian Madder said...

"..building a church these days..." ROTFL!! :-D Mothers never give up hope, do they? As to what 'Zahra' means, you'll find the answer here...

(Blatant self-promotion, I know....)

Anonymous said...

well that's the most decent looking petrol attendant i have seen in years , ;)

nice write up though


Unknown said...

Lol... grt post!! Avide "fun" okke nadakundo? ;)

N!$#@N^# said...

appo thirchu vannu elle... but u missed the trip buddy..... nice post as usual... and well of course say hi to the telgu guy(s).. firends " well read it ias blondes... :)

Reflections said...

Mothers esp our nadan mothers are all cut from the same cloth....where we see opportunity they see grave danger;-D

And I second anon's comment;-D

The one who has loved and lost said...

IO: Ok, One final question. How many kilometers from Washington DC to Miami Beach?
Me (Happy tears in my eyes!): "ha!ha!ha! I am the answer...Kilometers and kilometers.. in these days of degenerating decency of Miami beach to Washington DC when diplomacy and supercity become interchangeable from complicated America to America!!**"
IO(Happy tears in his eyes!): Welcome to the U.S son, Welcome Welcome!!
Awesome :D

Anonymous said...

u ditched me...

Anonymous said...

n yeah just to tell u the previous anonymous post was mine...

oops sorry, I though I would miss the name again... hehe..


Salil said...

Very funny indeed.
Loved your prayer :-)
I am glad the Immigration Officer did not say 'get out house!' in Jagathy style.

Anonymous said...

how abt to adding a line to change me to a sexy "mthrFakar" (read black with jamaican accent) in your prayers!!!!

Primitive Lyric said...

Time to update..Time to update!:))

Anooja said...

hii Abe..
Looks like you had a good time, if 'you' are back as full Abe or sheenichu thalarna Abe, after all the hectic schedule in the US :)

I can imagine what ur mom must have gone thro, paavam :)))

Cheers :)

Jinu George said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jinu George said...

Oh you Prodigal and promiscuous son!! Its time to come back to India!!;)

Anonymous said...

Fist time reading...found your writing very innovative and hilarious!

Will keep reading!

Primitive Lyric said...

*nudges you*

Update will you!! Can't blv the blondes have all your attention. Spare some time and write will you?:)))

Primitive Lyric said...

hey there,
you've been tagged!

Reflections said...

Howz the New Year treating U;-D????

Wishing u a wonderful year ahead!!!

p.s: u've been awarded with a tag:-)

Haddock said...

Ha ha ....How many kilometers from Washington DC to Miami Beach?
I have not seen the movie, but saw that particular clip on utube. Hilarious.
By the way I am not a doubting Thomas, but isn't that the petrol pump at Ramoji studio in Hyderabad.

Anonymous said...

nice!!! :)

Reflections said... are u, where are u???

Was going thru an old post when I saw ur comment & thot I'll find out how my ex blog-dost is doing;-D

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